Wednesdays are Love Letters to my Husband days…
To my darling,
There is an easiness about you, a relaxed, effortless nature that I just love. You get on well with people, and they with you. And in that effortless nature, that easy-going stride, you treat people with kindness and respect. You see, I don’t have that – I live my life from a foundation of fear. It was how I was raised, it’s how I react to life. It’s one of the reasons why I love how you live life without fear.
This weekend was spectacular. Until I ruined it. I was jealous, and I admit it. There is such an easiness between you and our friends, and I feel not included. Then, when we were talking about things on Monday night, you said something that just blew me away. You said, “I thought it was working; I thought you were having fun; I don’t know what else to do…” And just like that God spoke to me. You see, I was having fun. But, what I wanted was more… I wanted things to be about me a little more. I wanted to moan, and whine, and complain so I can have my rightful place – my place of insecurity and fear. It is where I am so very comfortable. It’s almost the only way I can relate when away on these weekends – instead of just relaxing and enjoying myself.
I am so sorry – you are such an inspiration to me in so many ways. Just this past weekend, I was reading about how the health of a marriage is measured by the least healthy of the two. If that’s true, and I do believe it is, then I definitely fall into the category of being the “least” healthy… And I suppose that is why I am on this walk. Not only to learn to surrender myself completely to God; not only because you and our marriage is possibly the two most important things in my life, but also to gain health and wholeness so that I can bring health and wholeness to our marriage.
I am sorry for the weekend. Thank you for always loving me, no matter what; thank you for being gentle and kind with me; for seeing me through eyes that see my beauty, even when I can’t see it myself.
You have taught me – are teaching me – to live life as an adventure and to truly enjoy myself. I love the fact that you are planning these cycle tours – there is nothing that holds you back. I never want to feel like I have ruined a weekend for you, or that I am the one holding you back. My darling, I am working very hard on being healthy and whole, so that I, too, can live life being upbeat. For us to be truly intimate, and to be truly equally yoked, I need to up my game and start living life on your level; instead of bringing you down to mine.
Know that I love you. I always have – from that first moment I saw your smile and those blue eyes sitting across from me at the training where we met. I love you and I want to give you the very best of me there is to give.
Health and wholeness: these are the gifts I want to give you.
I love you.