You love me!


Wednesdays are Love Letters to my Husband days…

To my darling,

There is an easiness about you, a relaxed, effortless nature that I just love.  You get on well with people, and they with you.  And in that effortless nature, that easy-going stride, you treat people with kindness and respect.  You see, I don’t have that – I live my life from a foundation of fear.  It was how I was raised, it’s how I react to life.  It’s one of the reasons why I love how you live life without fear.

This weekend was spectacular.  Until I ruined it.  I was jealous, and I admit it.  There is such an easiness between you and our friends, and I feel not included.  Then, when we were talking about things on Monday night, you said something that just blew me away.  You said, “I thought it was working; I thought you were having fun; I don’t know what else to do…”  And just like that God spoke to me.  You see, I was having fun.  But, what I wanted was more…  I wanted things to be about me a little more.  I wanted to moan, and whine, and complain so I can have my rightful place – my place of insecurity and fear.  It is where I am so very comfortable.  It’s almost the only way I can relate when away on these weekends – instead of just relaxing and enjoying myself.  

I am so sorry – you are such an inspiration to me in so many ways.  Just this past weekend, I was reading about how the health of a marriage is measured by the least healthy of the two.  If that’s true, and I do believe it is, then I definitely fall into the category of being the “least” healthy…  And I suppose that is why I am on this walk.  Not only to learn to surrender myself completely to God; not only because you and our marriage is possibly the two most important things in my life, but also to gain health and wholeness so that I can bring health and wholeness to our marriage.

I am sorry for the weekend.  Thank you for always loving me, no matter what; thank you for being gentle and kind with me; for seeing me through eyes that see my beauty, even when I can’t see it myself.

You have taught me – are teaching me – to live life as an adventure and to truly enjoy myself.  I love the fact that you are planning these cycle tours – there is nothing that holds you back.  I never want to feel like I have ruined a weekend for you, or that I am the one holding you back.  My darling, I am working very hard on being healthy and whole, so that I, too, can live life being upbeat.  For us to be truly intimate, and to be truly equally yoked, I need to up my game and start living life on your level; instead of bringing you down to mine.

Know that I love you.  I always have – from that first moment I saw your smile and those blue eyes sitting across from me at the training where we met.  I love you and I want to give you the very best of me there is to give.

Health and wholeness: 
these are the gifts I want to give you.

I love you.

Me.

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