Trust is such a fickle thing.
For me, if I tell someone a secret that is heavy on my heart, and they react in a way to make me feel shameful or scared, I will not trust that person – even if they never utter a word of what I have just told them. We discussed this in greater detail last week and will continue with our series on our acronym of Faithful:
Happy and Holy
Loving and Loyal.
But, for me, trust is such a huge concept, because trust also allows you to be yourself… And this is one area where I battle: allowing people in. Trusting my spouse enough to be myself with him – and having me trust me to the same depths.
How often have we met people who are one way when their spouses are not around, but completely different when they are with their spouses; like they are two totally different people?
I have always said – and you can ask hubby – if I control my husband, and tell him who to be, how I can trust that I truly love him, or I just love what I think he should be. I want my husband to be who is – I want to learn to love him for who God created him to be. And in that comes trust – if my husband knows he is safe with me, every little flaw, ever little nuance, every little character trait, is loved and accepted, then he can trust me. Completely and totally trust me.
And I with him.
But here’s the thing – trust doesn’t always lie with the recipient of that trust. What do I mean? Just this: I find it very difficult to share who I am. I am always hiding myself away, hiding behind walls I erected as a child to protect myself in a very dysfunctional family. So, just because I find it difficult to trust, doesn’t make my husband Untrustworthy. It simply means I have an issue with trust. And I do have a huge issue with trust – no one knows about this blog except my husband and me. And even with him I am constantly scrutinizing what I think he thinks of the blog. Even though he has only been completely encouraging and supportive. So, while the object of our trust needs to be trustworthy – very often we need to learn how to trust. Well, at least I need to…
1 John 4:18 NIV
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
And how do we do that?
One step at a time. I don’t mean to sound clichéd, but very often the issues that we battle with are well-worn pathways in our brain and we need to retrain ourselves to think differently. And that isn’t easy or done in a day.
So, my focus is learning to be myself – especially with my husband, but also in all situations and to trust that it will be okay. This is very often the mantra I say to myself:
Step into the sun and break down the wall. In Jesus, you are safe, loved and accepted. Embrace your husband and your life as gifts from God. Embrace God who loves you completely. Trust in who God created you to be. Trust God will always guide you saying, “Here is the path.” Trust God has created you fearfully and wonderfully. Do NOT give up. You will reap the harvest of blessing if you do NOT give up.