There are days when I just want to crawl into a tiny ball and just stay there. Just this morning I was praying and asking God if I’m doing the right thing, if I’m on the right path, if I am moving forward in the right way, why am I doing all this?
I want some sort of sign, some sort of acknowledgement, some sort of okay, I won’t be in this place forever. I started this blog to focus my mind and change my attitude – to get back on the right footing within my marriage. And I have seen such tremendous growth, within myself, and within my marriage. And for this I am truly grateful.
God designed marriage and we get it right, we get it on track, it works and it is so wonderful – when we listen to His way of doing things, and not to the ways of the world.
I’m just tired of battling toxic thinking. I had no idea that I would have to work so hard to renew my mind. My thinking is toxic and just as I think I’m making progress, I take a step back. Just as I think I’ve won the war on anxiety, I have the semblance of a panic attack. I’m still un-knotting my string. But, I think the key is to keep on keeping on. My breakthrough in toxic thinking could just be around the corner – and giving up means throwing aside all the hard work I’ve done. I’m just tired. Tired of battling, tired of not having money, tired of wearing hand-me-downs, just tired and weary… But, I know that my rest is in God. I don’t really have to do anything, except to work on what I need to work on, but then to trust. Oh, such a difficult thing for me to do.
Matthew 11:28-30 NIVUK ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’
I long for God’s rest – that I can just rejuvenate my soul a little and then keep on. Drink refreshing water and eat God’s bread, to keep on keeping on you need tenacity, you need strength, you need perseverance. What I really need is to spend time with God. Time, with work and family and a host of other issues, is sorely lacking.
And I think that what is really scaring me is having done all this hard work in aligning my thoughts with God’s thoughts, and praying for so many things, and getting to the end of my life and still being in the same place I am now. I want to move forward and leave toxic thinking behind. I also want to embrace the abundant life that Jesus said He came to give us, and not keep battling with old issues that I’ve carried around since childhood.
- I want to leave financial battles behind and have some sort of financial prosperity in this life.
- I want to leave toxic thinking behind and be victorious in the areas of anxiety, panic and fear.
- I want to leave unhealthy eating behind and focus on a healthy, balanced approach to food, eating and dieting.
- I don’t want to be overweight anymore – I want to be slim, fit and healthy.
- I don’t want fear and doubt to plague me anymore – I want calm, assure and peace within my marriage and within my relationships.
- But, more importantly, I want to move beyond these issues so that I can focus on more important issues that God is calling me to, instead of staying stuck where I am right now.
What if I miss out on God’s blessings because I am so focused on these mirror reflections of myself that I’m missing the bigger picture? What if my marriage can get stronger and better and more truly reflect God’s love for us if I stop living inside my head and start engaging more? What if I am missing out on that because I can’t stop living inside my head? What if there are financial blessings waiting for us in abundance, but won’t be ours because I’m too scared to relocate, to move out, to try something new?
Sometimes I just wish that God would give me a kick up the backside so that I can move past these issues once and for all.
I place my trust in God that He will get me through this, that He will take me from strength to strength, that He will find rest for my soul. I trust Him because I can’t imagine any other way of life or belief that will offer anything else. And besides – I love Him. I can’t imagine my life without God, and I don’t want to. I’d rather be in this place – where I am now – and live in total reliance on God, than to move forward and lose sight of this amazing God who has given me so much.
MY WORD FOR THE YEAR – 2016 / Intimacy – Time / Intimacy – Climbing a Wall / Intimacy – that one move! / Intimacy – Talking / Intimacy – Saying Sorry! / Intimacy – that one word / Intimacy – touch / Intimacy – those awkward moments / Intimacy – a sacrament… / Intimacy – Resting / Intimacy – Seven Red Flags / Intimacy – being separate / Intimacy – Never Giving Up / Intimacy – Honour / Intimacy – God / Intimacy – A new day… / Intimacy – Being True / Intimacy – Changing You / Intimacy – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly / Intimacy – Letting go of Fear