I love you so much. You have to know that.
And I do understand why you are doing this. Completely – as I said yesterday, I need to completely own this, and take full responsibility for my actions. I just don’t know how to do that. Part of the reason I sent you that blog post yesterday that I posted last year was because I want to be completely open with you. I have traveled a long journey to become the woman I want to be – someone who is vibrant, and sexy, and fit, a woman who knows who she is and who is brave and strong. But, to do that, I’ve had to break down a lot of walls of negative thinking that I have built up over so many years, that sometimes I can’t see what is true and what is lie.
I know you once said that Joyce Meyer is only after the money – and perhaps that is true. But, she is the first and only person to tell me to think about what I am thinking about; that not every thought that pops into my head is true and should be considered as true. To give you an example of this, for years and years I believed I was too skinny. You know this story – and yet it was all a lie. And there are many example of this, which I won’t bore you with now. But, a while ago I blogged about why I fell into that awful emotional mess after Madam’s arrival in our lives.
Why am I sharing this with you now, because I hide myself from you – from everyone – and I want to give myself fully to you (in the only way I know how). I still think that the Pill is having a major impact on my libido, but that in itself won’t solve anything – you spoke of intimacy and togetherness, but I screen everything I tell you. I tell you things that I think you’ll find acceptable, and I tell you in a way that I think will be okay. I am scared – petrified – that if you see the real me, you’d run. Actually, flee is the word that comes to mind. But, this is exactly what I am going to do – because if that is what will save us, I am willing to do anything. You have no idea just how much I love you.
I can’t give you any guarantees – just that I will keep on trying to become the person that I will be proud of, and that you will be proud of.
We don’t yet fully understand the dis-serve my parents did… or the greater impact of that.
Anyway, here’s the blog post I was referring to:
On Sunday you mentioned how much our marriage has changed – and that has resulted in the often high levels of stress and tension between the two of us. And so, the whole of Sunday and Monday (I even dreamt about this on Sunday night), I have thought of writing to you, because – to me – the major change in our relationship has been because of all the anxiety and panic attacks I experienced a little while ago. It’s like this big white elephant that we know walked through our marriage, but we don’t ever discuss it. And I don’t like to talk about it, because, well, because I am ashamed and embarrassed of that time. I know how damaging that was – to me, to us, to our family. And I was going to call this little (or perhaps really long – you know me) letter, “The Father of all Lies”. And what do I get as a Joyce Meyer reading the very next day? A reading called, “The Father of all Lies…” I kid you not.
I think the big man upstairs as a sneaky sense of humour.
And you see – the reason why I wanted to call it the “Father of all Lies” is because the anxiety that I was feeling was based on lies that I believed. Little lies that was snuck into my thoughts, feelings and subconscious from before we met, married – right back to when I was a little girl. After Baby Girl was born, I fell into a pit. A pit filled with fear and anxiety and panic. But, that pit was there before Baby Girl was born, before we even decided to get pregnant, before we even married – in fact, that pit was there probably right from the start. Because you see, all my life, there have been these lies that I have believed, lies that when circumstances became so overwhelming (like being a new mom with a baby that never slept), I had no choice but to fall into that pit. My whole life has been geared to me being fearful, hiding and not coping – just some of the lies that have been told to me. So when those circumstances became more overwhelming than I could imagine – well, I fell into the pit that was so nicely set up for me – because don’t you know, I don’t cope. Apparently…
And so I needed to go onto Paxil, and at the time, I couldn’t ever imagine going off Paxil. And I often wondered how I would cope. You see – another lie. And I know what I am going to say now to you will sound very religious, but there is truth out there that transcends our perception of truth, our circumstances, our thoughts and feelings and that truth is God Himself.
And so it is all these lies I have believed all my life and that were reinforced by family and friends and circumstances that resulted in a very low belief in life and myself and my abilities in this life.
- Every time I choked as a little girl and my mom went on and on about it, that pit was dug a little deeper.
- Every time my friends came to visit my mom and not me, that pit was dug a little deeper.
- Every time I asked my mom for specific items of clothes and she said no, but bought those exact items for herself, that pit was dug deeper.
- Every time my parents argued and shouted to each other that they only reason why they are staying is because of me – that pit was firmly cemented into place (no child should ever shoulder the burden of having to keep her parents together – no matter what the situation is).
- Every time I felt anxious and couldn’t eat, that pit was dug a little deeper.
- And every time my mom played head games with me, my dad kept quiet, my friends betrayed me, that well was firmly cemented in place.
- Then it was what I was told – shame, she is weak, she can’t cope, she’s very sickly, she never eats, she too thin, she can’t manage… all those words I have heard over and over and over again throughout my life. ALL LIES.
- That’s why I get so upset when our maid tells your parents I only survived on five biscuits a day. Really? Then how is it that I am still here? You see – another lie trying to perpetuate itself into adulthood. I no longer believe it!
God’s truth had told me a lot and I have chosen to believe His word over my experiences or perceptions of life, to trust that God actually does know what He is doing and to believe that instead.
And slowly but surely I have crawled out of that pit. God has said, “Do not fear”. He has said that, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” He has said that He has plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future. He has also said that no anxiety is ever from Him – he has given us peace, love and a sound mind.
There are many other passages of scripture, but believing God’s truth over my very subjective experiences has helped me crawl out of the pit.
I have a long way to go.
But, I have come such a long way. Remember when I used to wake up at 02:00 in the morning to eat, then again to eat at 06:00 – because I believed I wouldn’t eat? Such lies. All of it just lies. But, I believed it because I didn’t know NOT to believe it. And that is where Joyce Meyer has been such a huge help – she says, “Think about what you are thinking about” and “doubt your doubts”. Do you really believe what you are thinking – is that the actual truth – or is a lie flitting in your thoughts that you need to get rid of?
I know that this will be completely over when I lose this excess weight and be done with it – because at the moment that voice in my head telling me to eat is still quite strong, even though I know it is a lie. But, I will walk this path to truth, all the time I am walking – just one step after the other.
And so, I know that our marriage has had its fair share of tension and struggles over the last couple of years – but I believe God’s word when He says,
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
And I believe that the best is still to come – for me (personally) and for our marriage.
And I think the best thing I have learnt over the last couple of years is that I can trust God – even at my most anxious moment, I can still trust Him. He will never let us down.
Romans 8:28 NIV: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
And so, I know that I have a long walk ahead of me still – I have brilliant days, and I have not so good moments. But, I am training my brain, my head and my thoughts – like I am training for a marathon race, to focus on God’s promises, His word and His truth. There may be days ahead when I fail to do that, when the nervousness of whatever situation may be so overwhelming but I know that God is always with me. And that at the end of the day, there is nothing to fear.
I posted this on the 19th November last year. There is a lot of quotes from Joyce Meyers in the post, but it is all very religious and I left that out; I just included what was my own words.