This is the email I received from hubby yesterday:
I’m sorry about last night – believe me when I tell you I know all about the pain of rejection.
Since you sent me this mail, which was obviously prompted by you sensing my frustration again, I’ve been giving our sex life a lot of thought (as I have over many years). Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not worth it. We seem to go through the same cycle…. Me wanting you….you not up to it or otherwise not able to…me getting frustrated and angry to a point where it starts affecting everything else in our lives and relationship. Then we eventually do get it together….but not in the spirit that it was intended to be. Instead of it been a celebration of our closeness and intimacy, it is more to prevent more anger and ‘let’s get it over until next time’.
So – if you don’t mind, I think we should leave sex out of our relationship. It is possible as many couple who are not capable for some reason are in this position and stay together. This does not change anything between us – I still love you. But cannot do this thing anymore….. I don’t want it and I don’t want to work on it.
I’m not being ugly and I do not want to hurt you – but deep down inside you feel this way too. So let’s just take what is causing the pain and conflict out of our relationship and move forward.
I hope you understand.
And he is right. I can’t argue with him. I have been an awful wife to him. And I am so sorry. I feel lost and lonely and after so much prayer, a little distraught that my prayers are seemingly not being answered. Here’s the thing – I love my husband. I love him so much. And I don’t know what hurts more – the fact that I have hurt him so much that he has given up, or the thought of us never making love again.
My response to him:
I wrote this in a post in October last year – on the 17th October 2014 last year to be exact.
The idea being an active pursuit to understand whatever it is you need to understand. That was last week’s post from Pearl from the Oyster Bed. And just after I wrote this post last week, I got what I think is a vision from God. God showed me a huge, wooden door. And on the other side of the door is everything my heart ever desired. A good, strong and healthy marriage with my man – fun, laughter, sexual intimacy, safety, a life lived full of abundance. But I was standing on the wrong side of the door. I knew that all that I wanted was waiting there for me, but I was too scared to go through. Something was holding me back – fear, ignorance, pride, arrogance. Whatever it was (or is) I could not bring myself to knock on the door and go through. And it was as if God was encouraging me to go through this door – His blessings are waiting there for me.
That vision has played itself over and over in my head again and again.
I know that I need to walk through that door, but it is so hard. I am so scared of getting hurt and I realise that my huge distrust of life (which is the sole cause of all my anxiety) has led to me withholding myself from my husband and this abundant life that God has promised me.
And so my prayer is, and I suppose always has been, is for God to create in me a new heart; a braver heart. A heart that will grab all the blessings that God has promised me, that are mine in His name, including a healthy, strong and intimate love life with my husband. These are mine for the taking.
It is vitally important to me to honour God and my husband (in that order), and part of that – for me – is learning to live life in abundance; to no longer allow fear to hold my back.Remember when I told you at the beginning of this year that my word for this year is trust? There is a reason why it is trust. I hold myself back, I hide myself away, I am uncomfortable with the attention and being in the lime light – quite frankly, I don’t know how to handle it. I think I have gotten a bit better this year, but it is still such an issue for me. One of the reasons why my previous job worked well for me, is because I could hide myself away. One of the reasons why taking this job was so hard, was because I knew I’d have to perform, be in the spotlight, be accountable for the work I do. One of the reasons why motherhood was such a huge adjustment for me is because I could no longer hide myself away.Its also the reason why I gained so much weight – it’s easier to hide from people when you’re overweight. You blend into the background easier. And I hide from you, too! Forget the pill and anything else, in all honesty, this is the crux of the matter. I don’t know how to give of myself. I don’t know how to trust, but I am slowly but surely learning. I am learning in small, tiny steps to keep walking forward on this.
I understand why you want to do what you want to do – I honestly do. I need to own that and take complete responsibility. But, I just think I also need to be completely open and honest with you as well. Perhaps, then, over time we can truly heal this rift.