Last week, Pearl challenged us to start seeing ourselves as beautiful. Once again, this is not something that comes easily to me, especially when there is already nothing about myself that I like. However, what I decided to do, and what has worked for me in the past, is that I decided to believe what God says about me above what I feel about myself. God’s word is truth and his word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am a temple of the Holy Spirit and that his word lives inside me. And guess what happened? I feel a shift – it’s a small shift, but it is there. Instead of focusing on all these negative messages I have received my whole life that has led me to believe I am ugly and unworthy, I am now believing God’s word that says I am beautiful and most definitely worthy. I think believing the God of Truth is far better than believing my negative past experiences.
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Giving myself permission to be a sexually charged wife is hard. It is not something that my brain seems able to compute or even register. However, what has happened this last week is that I can feel I am becoming more aware. More aware of when last, how long ago, the silences, the absence – all of that is filtering through into my consciousness.
Ask. Seek. Knock.
The idea being an active pursuit to understand whatever it is you need to understand. That was last week’s post from Pearl from the Oyster Bed. And just after I wrote this post last week, I got what I think is a vision from God. God showed me a huge, wooden door. And on the other side of the door is everything my heart ever desired. A good, strong and healthy marriage with my man – fun, laughter, sexual intimacy, safety, a life lived full of abundance. But I was standing on the wrong side of the door. I knew that all that I wanted was waiting there for me, but I was too scared to go through. Something was holding me back – fear, ignorance, pride, arrogance. Whatever it was (or is) I could not bring myself to knock on the door and go through. And it was as if God was encouraging me to go through this door – His blessings are waiting there for me.
There are days when I just don’t feel like it – the battling, the trying, the anxiousness, the fear…. Days when the staying in bed is easier than the getting up, when the staying at home is easier than the going to work, the giving up is easier than the carrying on. But, what God teaches us in the commitment, in the perseverance, in the “hanging in there” is that we trust Him no matter how we feel. On the day that I don’t feel like it, I can do it because God has called me to honour Him in all that I do. On the days when it is easier to stay in bed, I go to work because this is God’s plan for my life. On the days when I feel like quitting, I hang in there, because God has called me to finish this race.
Last week – we spoke about Key 1 and how important it is to think yourself sexy. I couldn’t imagine this. I must admit that I did fail. But, I thought about it the whole time. So, what I finally resorted to do was use what was discussed last week as a sort of mantra. So, even though I couldn’t actually visualise it in my head, I found myself saying, over and over again: