Pure Passion :: From Need-to-Control to Letting Go

I am a control freak.  I admit this willingly – don’t they say that the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem… 🙂

But seriously, I do like things done a specific way and I battle to be open and just to “go with the flow” so to speak.

Our fears of letting go and what will happen if we do make us grasp desperately for control.  I’ve seen this happen in my life ever since I first knew fear.  That fear makes me choose situations I can understand or which are considered safe.

And that’s just it – what we consider safe, too afraid to let go and experience and feel and enjoy – must safer to be afraid, and stick to what we know (even if it’s just fear that we know).  And I could not agree more, walking this same path between faith and fear myself, with Abigail when she says:

But, any control I think I have is just an illusion.  I know that’s true and yet, still, I seek to control.  As I walk that tentative journey between fear and faith; the more steps I take in faith, the deeper potential for fear.  The more I learn to trust, the greater the flailing for support/predictability/comfort when I stumble.

And that’s just it – control is just an illusion.  In order to get anywhere in this life, we have to walk by faith.  And again, Abigail puts it so beautifully – but, in my own words, and in this new understanding that I am garnering, you cannot live free, sexy, powerful lives in the bedroom and then live in fear and needing control outside of the bedroom.  Living free means living free in all areas of your life.  I feel excited to be on this path – on this journey – with my husband.  While I know that God has many blessings in store for us, it’s the embracing of life to its fullest with my husband by my side that I am most looking forward to.  Especially in the bedroom.  And I know that this is a process – it’s an unlearning of the old way of thinking and learning a new way of thinking which takes time.  As I have said before,

Often the longest journey we have to take is from our heads to our hearts.

It is a daunting task learning to let go.  There are too many “what if’s” that play havoc in my mind.  But, I am tired of always trying to be in control.  I am tired of not trusting God, or life, or my husband – I am tired of fear, of anxiety, of panic.  I am ready to embrace God, my husband, and all the sexuality and intimacy life and God has to offer.  And even as I am typing this, I am feeling fearful, because that means completely letting go and totally trusting God.  I don’t know if I have that within me, because of having lived my entire life with fear and panic and a need for control.  But, and here is the kicker…  God is so much bigger than any fearful thought, feeling or need for control.  He can teach me to trust Him and this life He has given me in ways that I cannot yet fathom or imagine.

So also, sex is a beautifully complex culmination of many things for a woman.  And the pleasure of sex is bound up in our ability to let go.  I don’t think it’s by accident that God made it that way.  I knew that I was held back in my relationship with God when I was seeking to control.  What I didn’t know is that God intends for me to learn how to let go so I can draw closer to Him through the amazing playground of sex in marriage. Abigail Alleman

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in;
Heaven knows I’ve tried

Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel,
don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway!

P.S.  This is Baby Girl’s absolute favourite movie – I would say of all time, but she is just about to turn five… 🙂 ~!

2 thoughts on “Pure Passion :: From Need-to-Control to Letting Go

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