I have felt a bit despondent and very frustrated lately. And I know the reason – because, besides from being doggone tired, hubby seems to have lost all interest in our intimacy. And I can only say I blame myself. And I think that the most frustrating thing for him is that he knows that I have read all these books about sexual intimacy and it hasn’t really changed much. And that frustrates me. It should have changed me – in fact, after all the reading that I have done, hubby and I should be going at it like bunnies in the bedroom.
But, we’re not.
And I find that incredibly frustrating.
As much as what I battle with conjuring up a sexual desire in me that just seems totally dormant, I am frustrated that I think (fear) that I have done much damage to my marriage relationship that cannot be healed.
This is not what I want.
What I want is to grow old and happy with this man.
And a very important component of making that happen is having a mutually satisfying sex life.
The thing is, the big lie that women have bought into (and that I am battling to break from) is we don’t understand or fully appreciate just how important sex is to a man in connecting to his wife. When we decline sex, we’re declining the messiness of sex, the inconvenience, the preference of rather snuggling or watching a good movie, or going to sleep.
It’s never ever about rejecting or not wanting our husbands.
We don’t see us saying no to sex as being a rejection of our man. In fact, it’s more of a case that when we rather snuggle, or watch a movie, or whatever else in preference to sex, that we often feel closer to them. And this is what we want.
But, so do they. And for them to feel close to us, we need to have sex.
Not placating sex.
But rather “I-want-you-now-because-you’re-my-man-and-ain’t-anything-going-to-stop-me” kind of sex.
And in my frustration this morning, I just prayed to God and asked Him to reveal to me why I haven’t had the change in me that I was hoping for, praying for, yearning for.
And God, in His wisdom has given me two answers.
The first has come through J at Hot, Holy and Humorous, who had this to say:
One of his (Satan’s) weapons is messing with your sex life. Whether it’s distracting a spouse from marital intimacy with good things like ministry or bad things like porn. … Whether it’s encouraging selfishness with constant demands for sex or with constant rejections of sex. Whether it’s creating division in how we view the significance of sex or the significance of other activities.
Over time, we let intentionality go and fail to give sexual intimacy the attention it requires to thrive. One or both spouses begin to feel untended, unloved, unimportant. The godly principles we espouse — such as love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness — are increasingly absent in our marriage. Over time, we lose our deep connection, distance and resentment grow, and eventually it’s easier to show kindness to the barista in the coffee shop than to your own husband or wife.
How do we get it back? How do make sure that Satan doesn’t gain a foothold through our marriage bed? Intention. Commitment. Reminders. Time. Bible study. Communication. Prayer.
… God has given us a unique opportunity to minister to our spouse in a way no one else can. This marriage bond means that we get our sexual needs and desires met through only one source — that beautiful husband or wife you vowed to love.
Satan wants to tear it down. God wants to build it up.
We decide whether to approach our sexual intimacy in marriage with godliness and honor.
This spoke volumes to me, because I have come to very strongly believe that marriages are under full attack from Satan. What he can break down and destroy will mean more souls to him in the long run.
So, I need to always bear in mind that there is a very real enemy out there – and he is not my husband.
My second answer came through a new website I had not logged onto before called The Romantic Vineyard, and their post today is called, “There are no quick fixes for marriage”.
In it they say,
Growth happens slowly–over time. We may work really hard preparing an area of our marriage for growth like learning new communication skills, or starting a budget. Maybe we attend a marriage seminar or read a really good book revealing areas that need our attention–and we start making application. But the process is slow. We may not see growth as we had hoped. Things may stay the same causing us to be discouraged, even questioning if all our effort is worth it. And to this we want to say loud and clear…Yes. It. Is!
Imagine how beautiful your marriage would be if you followed this principle in all areas of your relationship, not just the ones you enjoy? Let’s be faithful to do the things we know to do with the strength that God provides. I have a feeling that if we do, we’ll reap a rich harvest in our marriage that will cause others to pause and take notice of its beauty. Reference here.
So, I guess that I need to keep pushing on through – at some point, all these fragments of information and reading and understanding that I have gained will come together like pieces of a puzzle and a beautiful picture will emerge. And Satan will try his hardest to hide pieces, scatter them and destroy what we are building. And I always need to bear that in mind.
And secondly, building a puzzle of this nature takes time. And in time the picture will emerge as something whole, and beautiful and complete.
Rome was never built in a day as the saying goes, but I cannot give up or allow despondency to creep in. Perseverance is key.
I love this man. And I know that I am truly blessed that God chose him for me.
And I will keep on working on this until it is no longer an issue, until my husband knows and understands how much I love him, that through our sexual connection, he will never doubt it.
This is what I pray for. Each and every day!