What is your deepest desire?
What is the one thing in your life that if that were taken from you, your life would never be the same again? For each of us, its something different, something unique, because God has made all of us different and unique.
My deepest desire is this,
To have an intimate, fulfilling, healthy and fun-loving relationship with my husband. I want to grow old with him and love him until our time on this earth is done. Because that – for me – is God’s reflection of His love for me. It’s all I have ever wanted.
It is why God put me on this earth. But there are days that the devil, or maybe just my human frailty, makes me doubt this. But, I know deep down in my heart that my job in this world is to help my husband become all that God has intended for him.
Perhaps it is my broken background or hearing my parents argue day-in and day-out that has birthed this desire in me.
Perhaps God Himself has birthed this desire in me so that I can share with you on this blog how very important marriage is to God, and how very seriously we should all take the issue of marriage.
Perhaps its all the broken hearts and lives of people I love dearly who have been through the trauma of divorce…
Or perhaps it is that I am married to the most amazing man who I love dearly and I want to be that wife for him that really turns him on – emotionally, spiritually, sexually, intellectually…
But, what do you do if you don’t have any desire for your husband.
And once you’ve prayed – then you pray some more. Sometimes, all it takes is a little seed, a thought that you loved him once, enough to marry him, that you can love him again – and nurture that seed and keep nurturing it until it blooms and grow…
Prayer is always the starting point.
And then do those little things – one small step at a time – that can make your marriage better. For example, perhaps just kissing your husband goodbye in the mornings, and hello in the evenings is enough to water that seed and that small step can be a catalyst for big changes in your marriage.
Or perhaps, instead of having dinner at the TV – why not sit at the dining room table where you can actually look at each other and talk. Or perhaps there is so much animosity between you that you just can’t fathom doing that now – then have a glass of wine or a cup of coffee together after dinner. Or even just desert. Or go for a walk with him… or anything.
My point is this: Take that first step.
No matter how small or insignificant you may think it is – that small first step will yield rewards later that will blow your mind. It doesn’t mean everything will be perfect, what it does mean is that it will get you in the right frame of mind for loving your husband the way he needs to be loved. And that may be a very long journey indeed, but it isn’t going to start until you take that first step.
Because you’re reading this. And only you can control you. So, you want to desire, and love and be fulfilled with your husband? Then start walking in the direction of making that a possibility – no matter how difficult he may be, this isn’t about him.
This is about you.
In time to come he will likely change and start reacting positively to the changes he sees in you. But, even if that never happens, know that you are being obedient to God’s call on marriage.
And that is ultimately why we do anything – in obedience to God.
Here are some ideas you can use to start making your marriage stronger:
Pray for your marriage and your husband.
And if you don’t have the desire to want to make your marriage work – pray for desire. God will honour your prayers.
Seek out others who have a great marriage and learn from them.
Read a book, see a counselor, or attend seminars designed to improve your marriage. Or read blogs – like mine… 🙂 – that will help you get your head in the right space to do this. There are so many amazing resources you can use on the Internet.
Make your spouse your first priority over your parents, boss and even your kids. This will be hard to do when you’re married to a difficult person or are in a difficult marriage – but you’re not going to head in the right direction if you don’t make your spouse a priority.
Let the small stuff go. Not everything needs to be a battle – you are two very different people, with different ideas and thoughts and backgrounds – there will be differences. So, learn to let the small stuff go and accept your differences.
Be there – actively focus on being present. It’s no good trying to work on your marriage, but while you’re physically there, your mind is somewhere else. Be there – actively engage him.
Show more affection. Tough when you’re in a difficult place in your marriage – but do it anyway. Perhaps just that small kiss in the mornings, or a hug before bed. Or just your hand on his leg while you watch TV – it doesn’t have to be anything major, but just a small touch of affection could go along way.
Communicate – talk to him. Every day talk – about work, the weather, the kids, whatever – keeping the lines of communication open makes it so much easier to have those heavy conversations we all need to have once in a while. But you’re not going to be comfortable talking the deep stuff if you’re not talking the little stuff. So just talk…
Work on developing a deeper friendship. Be his friend – watch sport with him, maybe even go fishing with him, or just enjoy a glass of wine with him.
Compliment one another – you loved him once enough to marry him. So look for those good traits that are still there and compliment him on them. They may be hidden under layers of battles, and bitterness, but they’re still there. So, let him know – it’ll soften his heart towards you.
Agree to disagree – there are some issues you’ll never agree on. So accept that and move on. Get emotional closure on the issue even if you don’t get closure on the issue itself. Don’t allow something you’ll never agree on to divide you – rather use it as an opportunity to bring you closer together.
Even the smallest gestures can make a big difference when you approach them with an open mind and a loving heart. Reference here.
Implement all the above if you can, but I would recommend that you take one or two and start with those. Perhaps focus on the biggest stumbling blocks for you – like negative thinking, then choose to think positively. Or lack of affection – then start showing him some affection, no matter how small.
Just one small step – and you’re headed in the right direction.
And then keep taking those small steps. One step at a time. Just keep moving forward – remember,
You intentionally stay together – or unintentionally drift apart.