Day 28: Why I’m Not a Pastor’s Wife

I used to have this pet hate – when people addressed my hubby, I would always be “and wife”.  Or it would be Mr So-and-So, and wife.  And it used to annoy me – I am not just a “and wife”, I have my name, thank you very much – so use it.  And I still agree with that – don’t address me just as an extra.  Address me as a person in my right.


The “and wife” shouldn’t have the negative connotation that I used to perceive it as having.  Because that is what I am – first and foremost.  Before I am a working woman, a mom, a daughter and friend, I am first and foremost his wife.

So, matter what vocation my husband is in, or no matter what he does (or what I do for that matter), I am always his wife first.  And it gets very hard to remember that, when life is so busy and there is so much to do and you have a very demanding four-year old who thinks the world revolves around her – but I need to keep reminding myself and keep acting out the truth:  I am his wife first.

In today’s post at 31 Days to a Better Marriage series,  Kari Patterson gives some great insight into being a pastor’s wife.  Being a pastor’s wife does not mean she has to fulfill a set of roles for the church, and run a lot of missions, and ministries and women’s groups.  No, it means she is her husband’s wife first.  And he just happens to be a pastor.

There is no biblical role or office of pastor’s wife.  In my opinion, the setting apart and pedestal-placement of ministry wives is one of the greatest dangers to women who are married to pastors.  If my emotional energy is spent on maintaining some persona, meeting everyone’s expectations, or playing a part, I won’t have the strength to meet my husband’s needs.  I’ve found the most joy and freedom to stand by my man when I ditch the Pastor’s Wife deal and just be Jeff’s wife.  Reference here.

And it is so important to remember that.  Do what you need to do – but remember who you are:  you are your husband’s wife first and foremost.  And that is where your priorities need to lie.


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