If you are only in your relationship for what you would like to get out of it, you will be disappointed.
I had a client a while back whose partner found sexual contact with him to be repulsive, yet she really loved him. No matter what he changed she just wasn’t interested. After a bit of digging we discovered that she was looking for someone to mother for various reasons, and it came down to “what mother would want to sleep with her son?”. She was in it to meet her maternal needs. Another client could not understand why her relationships were failing. When I asked her why she wanted a relationship she said she “ didn’t want to be alone”. There was an article in the news recently that spoke about the soaring divorce rates in South Africa. It reveals a simple truth: if you are in it for what you would like to get out of it, then you will be disappointed.
People are not there to meet your needs. Period
Oh I know that we have been painted pictures of marital bliss and doting partners, and we have said “I want that”, but until you realise that what you are seeing is a by-product and not an end goal, you will never experience it.
A by-product of what?
When you meet your own needs and have no expectations of the other person then your relationship can become what it is meant to become, not what you are trying to manipulate it into becoming.
Face it: as long as your partner is trying to fill some role they are never free to be themselves
The grand irony is that people meet an individual and then begin the process of turning that person into a copy of themselves, but since they don’t really like themselves they ultimately reject the other person.
It is sad: a partner spends years conforming the other person (into an image of themselves) only to discover that they ultimately don’t like their creation.
When you are just in it to be in it, you are heading in the right direction.